What Does a Codependent Family Look Like?

Maybe you’ve heard of codependency in a romantic relationship, but it can happen between two friends, a small group of friends, or even a family. A codependent family doesn’t look much different from a codependent relationship. The biggest sign of codependency within a family is how different the roles are between parents and children. In fact, they’re practically reversed.

Let’s dig deeper into what a codependent family looks like. Understanding some of the common signs and the issues associated with the roles might help you determine if you’re in a codependent family.

What Causes Codependency in a Family?

Many factors can contribute to a codependent family. Typically, certain generational characteristics are passed down to create a very specific environment and unique relationships within the family unit. 

For example, if someone is raised by extremely overprotective parents, they might end up lacking confidence and be afraid of the world. They’ll take those characteristics into a relationship and into parenthood.

However, that doesn’t necessarily mean they’ll follow the pattern of overprotectiveness. Instead, their lack of confidence and need to be taken care of can create unbalanced (and potentially unhealthy) relationships with their children. 

Signs of a Codependent Family

Codependent family members typically play one of two roles.

Some have a deep desire to be needed. They’ll work to fulfill everyone else’s needs to feel a sense of purpose within the family. If they can’t fulfill those needs, their self-worth will likely hit the floor. These individuals often risk losing themselves and their identities by making their entire lives about the people in their families.

On the other hand, some codependent people take advantage of that nature. They expect that kind of “care” in extremes. It can sometimes be emotionally damaging to the people doing the “serving,” creating unhealthy relationships throughout the family unit. 

Parentification

If a parent has had issues with their own childhood that they haven’t fully worked through, it can lead to unhealthy dynamics when they become parents themselves. In families, in particular, a common issue is parents relying on their children to give to them and to take care of them instead of the other way around. It’s an issue called parentification.

Think about your relationship with your parents. Did/do they try to convince you that they’re a victim? Do they rely on you to give them emotional support? Do you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around them just so you don’t risk saying or doing the wrong thing? 

In parentification, a parent’s self-esteem is directly tied to their child. If you’re the child in the relationship and you’re happy with your parent, they are happy. If you’re unhappy, they’re unhappy. It’s very different from a “normal” parent-child relationship. Obviously, all parents are happy when their kids are doing well. But, it doesn’t affect their esteem and their very identity. 

What Can You Do?

Do any of these signs and relationships sound familiar? It’s not always easy to break free from the patterns and habits of a codependent family. But it’s not impossible. Putting a stop to codependency is a choice. You can do your part by practicing self-care and taking care of your needs. If you’re a parent or family member who has struggled with those things, prioritize caring for yourself first, even if it feels foreign. 

Next, be an active listener. No matter your “role” in the family, listening to others and their thoughts, concerns, and needs can change your perspective and help you see relationships differently. 

Finally, don’t be afraid to reach out for help. Often, relationship counseling or family therapy is the best way to break the cycle of codependency.